Batman Comics

Insane Batman Comics Courtesy of Tasty Hostess Cupcakes


In the late 70s and early 80s, you couldn't get through a comic without seeing a one-page ad involving a highly improbable scenario where a well-known super hero had to save the world using nothing but the power of delicious Hostess snack cakes.

Through countless hours thumbing through old comic books in dozens of collections and stores, I can safely say that I have read every super hero Hostess ad in the world. Below are six examples of the ridiculous bullshit Batman had to put up with in the name of making children fat...

#6.
Pigeon Person

This would be a prime example of the Hostess integrated super hero advertisement strategy. This old ad for Hostess Cup Cakes begins with Pigeon Woman stealing the Statue of Liberty. With pigeons. How the fuck is Batman going to get from there to "PURCHASE HOSTESS CUP CAKES, CHILDREN" in one page (and in the original ad, just five panels)? He'll find a way, because he's the goddamned Batman. Although, really anyone with access to bread crumbs would do.

It's normal for super villains to take one million extra steps to reach a simple goal. Pigeon Woman, however, moves monuments by hypnotizing vermin, which equals out to one million steps taken to accomplish absolutely nothing. Also, Pigeon Person seemed really upset about Robin calling her Pigeon Woman. Maybe she has a dong?

The above panel is the only explanation of Pigeon Woman's plan we get: "An America without statues is an America without a past." Even if that was remotely true, what? Is her plan really to rebuild America over the remains of its forgotten, statue-less past? Is she hoping that we'll all go, "Wait, where are all the statues... w-what is this place? Maybe even, who am I!? Oh, hi lady... I-I mean "person." I see you like pigeons. Will it be you who leads this brand new country?"

This plan is of course, nonsense. Maybe she'd collected so many pigeons that they'd run out of things to shit on and she was too embarrassed to tell Batman that that's why she was stealing the Statue of Liberty.

Fortunately the Army saves absolutely nobody by using tax payer money to help Batman drop cup cakes to distract the pigeons.

This somehow proves the cupcakes are delicious, even though pigeons get excited when they find a wet napkin in the trash, and would eat disease out of a hobo's hand.


#5.
The Gold Eaters

Calling these alligator things "Intergalactic" (repeatedly) is totally unnecessary. They're wearing bloomers and there's lightning bolts on their chest. Of course they're intergalactic. Either that or they're a karate team spreading their positive message to special education schools. But then it would make no sense for them to be eating bars of gold at Fort Knox.

Fortunately, Batman gets there in time to paint a giant blue bat on the wall:

Apparently, the guard has elected to just LET the crocodiles eat the gold? Apparently, his employee handbook was missing the chapter called "Motherfucker, get out of Fort Knox and put on some pants. I will SHOOT YOU."

Also, while I would not presume to place my knowledge of nutritional science over that of the experts in the Hostess advertising department, maybe we shouldn't be telling children that painting another substance the same color as your favorite food makes it edible.

#4.
Catman

Catman truly was on the prowl. But only if one defines "prowl" as "dressed as a child predator signal flare and talking to oneself."

Also, some simple cat science: when you want your girlfriend to make you cupcakes, you don't fill the oven with cats, and when you want someone to call off their cats, you don't fill their mouth with cupcakes.

Robin... Batman is being killed. You need to help him with the giant cats. Don't throw the one person capable of stopping them a cup cake. By now, you should know he's just going to give a monologue about how tasty the choclatey icing is. When he's finally finished, you'll be waiting for jungle predators to shit out your friend with Catman laughing until delicious moist crumbs are coming out his nose.

The Muse

The problem with mad scientists is they're always forgetting the little things.

The Muse built a piano capable of sucking nearby people in to make the piano sound more like people. That's amazing, maybe. I don't really get it. Apparently, it took such a level of scientific brilliance that he can't be bothered with the little thoughts like, "Maybe the best time to vaporize The Three Bottles ISN'T in the middle of a Three Bottles stage show."

After one of the thousands of eyewitnesses notices the crime he's doing absolutely nothing to hide from them, The Muse still refuses to acknowledge anything wrong with his plan. In the last panel he tells nobody in particular that he's caught an "unlucky break." How was he expecting the show to go?

"Dude, we saw The Three Bottles last night, and it was awesome! They had stage effects and everything-- ten seconds in, all three Bottles got sucked into the piano and then the rest of the set was just piano music that sounded like terrifed screams! Whoooo, ROCK! Oh, and The Three Bottles are STILL missing, man! Foul play is sus-PEC-TEEEEED!!! YEAH!"

#2.
The League of Assassins

Batman takes on a bunch of karate experts wearing white belts (which means in the world of karate these guys rank alongside toddlers) and throws a Twinkie at them instead of the Batarang, which somehow allows him to tie them up. This one seems pretty unremarkable. But look closer:

Do you think it was Batman who made the one on the right crotch towards center, or did he wiggle around to do that himself?

Karate Man A: "Oh great, we're all tied together. Man, I hate assassin missions! What... what are you doing, Assassin Bill?"

Assassin Bill: "Just! Ungh! Turning around! Ungh!"

Karate Man A: "Bill, that's... is that your numchucks?"

Assassin Bill: "Giggle!"

#1.
The Joker

As a crime expert, I studied this comic extensively to see what went wrong. Obviously, the pies were supposed to distract the police long enough for the Joker to execute his plan of walking directly out the front entrance and through their barricade in his purple I'm-Totally-The-Joker disguise. But the pies only distracted them long enough to get them to talk about the pies, eat the pies, and then flank the Joker's position while he talked to himself. I guess I don't see why that didn't work.

He could have at least shot at their backs when they were all turning away to grin at pie.

Of course, there's one other possibility the cops probably should have considered. That's the GODDAMN Joker! You know what he likes to do as a joke? Poison you until you die! You're going to run his poisoningass down and then let him feed you?

"Ah, dispatch, we've got the suspect in those biological attacks cornered. He's lowering tantalizing pies to us. Request procedure, over. Actually, cancel that request. I'm going to just eat a few and then go apprehend him with a pie in my hand. Dispatch, remind me to ask the suspect why he's not eating the pies when we get back to base. What's that dispatch? It sounds like you're screaming NO NO NO YOU'RE INSANE, but that would be crazy."